Lock · and · Key

Kids: The annoying, loud little things that run around screaming and crying. That are ignorant of the world and at the only point in their lives where they are innocent. Now if kids are so loud and annoying, why would you want one?

Well my reason would be this: Yes for the most part I see kids the way just about everyone else at my age sees them; brats. But to be able to create a person, carry them for 9 months with in me and then teach them and watch them grow; to me that would be amazing. They grow up to be a person, a man or woman; the future and they will always be there; for the most part.

Yes kids can be annoying. But why are they annoying? Because they are young they don't know how loud they are being or how to express them selves; they are learning. Their minds, voices and bodies are growing. They are little people who have no experience in the world.

Not everyone can be a parent or wants to be one; which is okay. If they don't want one they shouldn't, that wouldn't be fair to the child. I know people who grew up believing their parents never loved them or didn't want them, and it hurt them so bad, they couldn't understand and that isn't right. And not everyone likes kids, which is okay, it's something I don't understand, but it's their opinion.

But I definitely  want kids in the far future.

So I unblocked him. Why? Well I figured he's not going to try to talk to me, so there really is no point in him being blocked;(I was wrong) instead I just deleted him. I also apologized....on Sunday..? I think that was when. Why..? I don't know, actually. Well I guess I kind of figured it was the right thing to do, but I am still SO VERY ANGRY. So frankly I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. Which is okay with me, because frankly I'd rather not talk to him. In a way he did me a favor. Did he do it the right way? HELL NO. But it's over and in a way I should be thanking him. But...dinner is ready so I'll have to finish my entry later

Anyways guess I don't have much else to say about the whole situation. But I just got back from a hike with Caroline. We went out around 9 and came back around 11. It was nice, walking through the meadows having serious discussions. It's nice to have someone that thinks like me and that I can just sit down with and talk with for hours about what ever you feel like. And I trust her with my mind, that's something I can't do with many people. She knows me better than people I've known my whole life, and she accepts me for who I am. That's something I wish my mom could do, but she can't and I think that's what hurts the most, but I deal with it; I can't change her.

I feel happy and sad at the same time. I'm happy, because it's a wonderful day. But I'm sad, because of the things that I've been thinking and talking about. But for the most part, I'm okay. Kind of frustrated with things, I don't always know what to do in certain situations, and that frustrates me, but it's something I'm just going to have to get used to. You don't always know what to do in every situation; that's life. All you can do, is do what you think is best. Usually stopping and thinking about it critically and trying to find  the best solution, is all you can do and it usually helps.

"Two tears in a bucket; mother fuck it." ~Midnight Garden of Good and Evil
"I will nock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have to take of your pants to eat your dinner" ~Grandmom
"She's so thin she could fall through her ass and hang her self." ~Grandmom
"The four P's to live by: Patients, Persistence, Perseverance and if that doesn't work just piss on it" Charlie

If you had the power to do anything, anything at all, what would you do? Would you make your life perfect? Would you make someone love you? Would you make your-self beautiful? Would you help others or would you only use it for your own selfish purposes?

I had a dream last night that I could literally do anything I wanted or make anything happen. First I started with little things, basically just messing with people. Like I made a flower grow on this persons desk, I made a boy fall in love with me, then I turned him back to normal, I made my self beautiful, I played tricks on people. But then realized the immorality of it all, so I stopped. But I must admit, it was fun. But despite how fun it was, I realized it was wrong messing with people and if I were to do anything with it, I should at least try to help people.

Wow....I'm my brother. Totally just realized that. I am just like him, just as bad. My brother is always on my case, starting arguments, putting me down, at least that's what it's always felt like. I mean I know that's not his intention, he's always been trying to help me so I make the right choice.

The only big difference between him and me is that he always has to be right, he'll never admit he's wrong, and god forbid you try to tell him he is. But I guess that's just his insecurities.

My father wasn't around much when I was younger so I suppose that's why my brother acts the way he does; like he's trying to be my father. But...I do it too, I mean I don't try to act like someone's father. But I've done that, I've made someone feel like shit for the same purpose, not intentionally, not at all, but I never realized I was doing it till after. But I guess I can understand my brother a little more now. Though I don't always agree with him, his intentions are good. Accept when he's acting like a little whiny bitch over stupid ass shit.

So I guess I'll have to learn and work on that. Well I definitely have improved, I was tempted to talk to Alex about his drug using, so I just told him that he's killing him self, just to let him know that and I haven't said anything else to him. I know I can't make him stop, so I'm not even going to bother. Plus the guy is still trying to use drugs even though he's on the biggest lock down I've ever heard of. He can't leave the house at all, he's not allowed to lock his door or it comes off, he gets his room checked every day, he's not allowed to get his license till he's 18, drug tests, and he's not allowed out of the house till....they say so. And it's summer...damn.

So I'm moving to my mom's this weekend, doesn't seem to bad; yet. We went to a counseling session today, that was fun... Hah... Jason said he was going to leave Vito there; he lied. But there is an up side, NO RICK!!!! Hell yeah...GOOD BYE, ASSHOLE!!!

Anyways....

Sleeping over Caroline's tomorrow for Litha, have no clue what we are going to do for that. Hopefully that'll be fun. Oooh and I'm taking Dr. Ed this July! Can't wait to get that out of the way. And my mom said I might be able to get a job with her, which will be nice.

Dream:
You're lying pressed against each other, a feeling of want between you. No matter how hard you press against him, it's not close enough. You want to be pressed into him till you can hear ever beat of his heart and feel every breath he takes, you want to be pressed into him till you can't breath and even then, that would never be close enough. It's not even sex that you want, just him, just that feeling of this stranger pressed against you.

Created another MySpace, just for something to do I guess, also there were some people that I wanted to keep in touch with and that was the only way I knew how. I added Irene and some other family members. And I added Madison, which was nice that she accepted. I feel so weird talking to her now; I don’t know what to say. We haven’t talked in so long and I don’t know how she feels about everything. And the last thing I want to bring up is that, especially if everything is okay; I’d rather not fuck up the okayness.

Anyways, I can’t believe how good I feel today. I feel so content it’s nice. Except I’m awfully tired, so off to bed I go.

The world keeps moving, but I can not help but feel as if I am stuck. I am happy, yes. But still stuck. It seems moving to my mom's might be good for me, I need another change. I need to grow more, I need new lessons. I'm still growing and learning. As I write I have so much going through my mind; so many lessons to be learned. It's something I love and long for. To grow and learn and to continue doing so. I will not stop and I will not quit. I want to see the world, have new experiences and meet new people, while I am young and able to do so. I will graduate and I will go to college and only death can stop me, or maybe not depending on what happens after we die. The world is huge and cruel, but it also holds many secrets and is beautiful. There is to much to do in life to quit now, so I will not. I'm done quiting, I'm done giving up. This is the only thing I will quit and that is giving up. I love to grow, learn, to laugh, dance, to try new things and I love to love despite the hurt that comes with it. Each day is a gift and not one that I will take for granted, not again, not any more. I am happy, and I know I will not always be so, but I know things could always get worse and there will always be another day to be happy, and today I am.

First day of Summer for me and I'm already being a lazy bum. So I think I'll follow Caroline and make some rules for my self.

Daily Schedule:
1.Eat a real Breakfast
2.Take Chip for a walk
3.Work out
4.Do a chore
5.Take a shower
6.Free time
7.Do something constructive(read, write, draw...)

Rules:
1.Don't become a pot head
2.No being a lazy bum
3.Visit my mom
4.Keep in touch with friends
5.Hang out with Amanda
6.Save up for a car
7.Drivers Ed.
8.Take care of Otto
9.Read a book a week
10.Go for a hike every week
11.No binging
12.Eat healthy
13.Start preparing at least one dinner a weak
14.Take 2 showers a day

*Only way the rules or schedule can be bent is if someone sleeps over or there is some kind of special event.

Well I've decided I'm going to stay with my Mom every other week. I don't want to feel like I'm moving away, I just got comfortable here. Plus, I'd rather not get fat again. I'm 122 and I want to stay that way.

Also, Otto is really sick :( and I want to be here to help the old grumpy kitty out. Poor Otto kitty. *tear* I couldn't help but cry yesterday after we took him to the vet. I love that cat, I grew up with him. And to hear that he might possibly die? I couldn't help it, especially with Jingles dying as well. Otto is 15 it's expected, but Jingles is only 6. But she's hangin in there. I tell ya, I might possibly love animals more than I love people. I wonder why.... Animals are pretty much the only innocent things on this earth.

Humanity:
1. The fear of the unknown or of things that are different
2. Ignorance
3. Arrogance
4. Weakness of mind
5. Impressionable; especially by society
6. The inability to see beyond their own two eyes; Shallowness
7. Vanity
8. Pride
9. Prejudice
10. Greed
11. Envy

Women:
1. Overly sensitive
2. Mothering instinct; good for children, but can be fault in other circumstances
3. Passive

Men:
1. Inability to recognize own faults
2. Emotionally handicap; other than anger
3. Aggression
4. Destructive
5. Ego
6. Lust

~Two A's, two B's and a C!!!!! Fuck yeah!! I'm SO happy! Turned in my 9 pg history paper, got an 85 on my last math test, no finals tomorrow accept for my open notes one and I am fucking happy~
~I think I might actually miss school once it's over. I mean, what am I going to do over the summer? Probably get a job and lay around the house when I'm not working.~
~Maybe I could go out with D.M.... Well I can dream, right? If only he didn't have a GF. If he didn't I'd so ask him out. Well actually, if he didn't have a girl friend I probably wouldn't have too. Damn it, all the good ones are taken.~
~Oh well. I've got more important things, like next weeks finals. I know I'll probably get at least a B on my World History exam, don't know about the math hopefully at least a D, English I'll probably do well, Gym...well...we never actually took any tests, so everything will be new, and...well Health is tomorrow and It's open notes, so I'm pretty much good to go.~
~Tomorrow is my last day in 7th pd...that makes me sad, I'm going to miss Alex, Dustin, Brandon and Ashley, yes even Brandon.~
~OOOOOH and I LOVE LED ZEPPLIN!!!!!! I mean I always liked them, well at least I liked a lot of their songs, but Irene got me one of their CD's yesterday and I LOVE it. I can totally understand why my Health teacher loves them. Great band.~
~Talked to Amanda yesterday, for the first time in forever, it was nice, we had a lot to talk about. And hopefully we'll both be going to Newark Night this weekend. :D~
~Feel bad for Caroline, kind of wish it had been me that got their finger smashed, just so she didn't have to deal with that. I mean, how is she going to paint and draw? Well she seems to be doing okay.~
~God I really love living at my Dad's, I mean it's nice. It took me a while to adjust, but I'm good now. I really like it. I'm going to miss it when I move to my Mom's this summer. But I'll definitely visit.~
~Chip is so BIG, I can't believe he's that little puppy I carried home with me that day 5 months ago.~
~Poor Jingles is dying.... :( it made me so sad... She's only 5yrs old... I'm going to miss her.~
~Poor Moosey is dying too.... he's got cancer... :(~
~In the middle of like 10 books :O I'm going insane, I don't know which one to read....~
~Saw The DaVinci Code and X-men III, both good movies, especially The DaVinci Code, X-men was to rushed~
~FINALLY got Silent Hill, which OMG scares the shit out of me, but it's fun.~
Hmmm..... no more random thoughts.... Till next time then, or not, depending on if I feel like continuing a live journal.

Well last night was fun. We went out to get Mexican food then went over to Borders to buy books. I can't wait to start reading them. I got the third Midnighters book and the second book to A Great and Terrible Beauty. Today Dad and I went for a hike, it was so much fun. It was so beautiful and Chip ran wild. It is so much fun racing him through the woods. Maybe Caroline and I will go up to those woods since they are right up the street from where we usually go. Hmm...we shall see. Anyways, I've got court on Wednesday, so it looks like I get off for that day to. But what sucks about this particular day, is that I still have not done my community service, for a number of reasons. So basically if my Mom can't convince them, I'm screwed. But oh well, I don't think, "trespassing on train tracks" will affect me to much in the future. *Nock on wood*

Omg the doctors office made my day. Picture this..The doctors office full of people who've been waiting for hours to get in, then comes in this mom her daughter, mother and little son. The son is about 5yrs old, and he is obviously a spoiled bratt. He's being loud and obnoxious, yelling and screaming, kicking his mom and obviously annoying everyone in the room. I mean everyone's face looked like, "OMG get me out of here." Especially Irene, she looked highly annoyed. Untill finally the mother got called and you could see the relief on Irene's face. The child went with, untill about 3 min latter and the screaming and crying kid came out. And Irene's like, "Oh God." But then Irene's name got called and she had the largest grin on her face, it was funny. Well after Irene left the kid g got worse, "MOMMY....MOMMY...MOMMY...!!!!" Over and over and over. And I'm alittle annoyed at first, but then I start laughing, because everyone's face is so funny and the more the kid screams the more I laugh. Then I hear something infanitely better, the man across from me is snoring, I mean SNORING.
And I just lose it, I was in tears. The girl around my age across from me was laughing as well, we just looked at each other and laughed. Omg it was so funny.

Last night and today, were absolutely amazing. Last night Caroline, Laura and I smoked. It was quite interesting. Laura passed out 40mins later. Caroline I spoke for about an hour, philosophically. We talked about how our lives would be completely different if we had never met and how our lives are so different now than how they used to be. How we have changed so much and how we seem to be on completely different mind sets, then we used to. It's amazing really. We talked about how strange people were and how our lives are compared to others. I really wish we had recorded it, I can't quite recall all that we spoke about. We are deep thinkers Care and I.

I had interesting dreams last night; to bad I couldn't possibly explain them. My dreams are quite strange compared to most. There is never anything normal about them.

Anyways, this morning was wondrous. I woke up around 8:30 of course. Caroline got up as well and we headed down stairs; Laura still sleeping in the bed. We get something to eat and I suggested that we go for a walk through the woods, in the rain.

We go upstairs to tell Laura, and she thinks we are nuts because it was 9:30 in the morning. But she couldn’t go with us, which I was kind of thankful for because she’s not quite like Caroline and I. I mean I like her, she’s funny and nice to hang out with, but she’s not like us in many aspects.

We parted in the street, the three of us with umbrellas over our heads. Caroline and I went in one direction and she went in the other. We headed towards the woods. When at the forest entrance, I was amazed by the beauty. The darkness of the sky, the ground and the tree trunks really made the green of the leaves stick out so vibrant and beautifully. I really couldn’t possibly explain the beauty of it. We walked through the woods to the field, our feet getting soaked along the way. I was in awe. I don’t think I’ve ever appreciated the beauty of the world until recently. I don’t think I could.

We walked off the path towards the creak, at one point I just had to stop to soak it all in, the beauty, the sounds, everything. I just stopped, looked around then closed my eyes to listen, the sounds of the creak, the rain on the rocks, the leaves, the sounds of the birds, moving water, it was soothing.

We continued on, looking for a place to have our fort. Caroline had talked about it long ago, but I had forgotten about it till she mentioned it once again. I liked her idea it’s a brilliant idea, if it works. And it should, in theory. We found a couple nice spots that could work; they are all possibilities.

At one point I saw a fallen tree across the creak, so I decided to try and cross it. I walked across to the middle, where it was some what hallowed out, making what looked like a bench above the creak. So I sat there and Caroline joined me. We sat there for a while soaking it all in and talking. We didn’t want to move, we both said several times we should get going, but neither moved. Eventually we both got up.

At one point when walking I saw a tree that had the bark falling off. So I said that we could use some of the bark for the fort, as I pull it off the tree. Then I see something, fury. I think at firs that it’s something that was growing under the bark. But then I look closer and it looks like its breathing. It’s about 3in long, not very big. I look closer and I realize it’s a bat, a little, tiny bat. It’s so cute.

Then I realize I had just destroyed its home. I felt so horrible for doing so; so unbelievably guilty. Not only did I destroy its home, but I woke it up in the middle of the day, which is like the middle of the night for us. So we try to find a something to put over it, so it doesn’t get wet and cold. While we do this, the thing opens its mouth up and hisses like a fucking cat. I mean it was just as loud as a full grown cat. That thing scared the shit out of me. Then it made this other sound, like sonar. It was piercing; it hurt my ears so bad, all coming from this tiny little bat. So we took a piece of skunk cabbage, which stunk horribly, and we put it over him and pinned it to the tree so he would have something. Hopefully, for his sake, he can’t smell.

After that we started walking back to the house. We were both soaked and ready to be dry and warm. We walked around the horse arenas, where they were holding a horse show. Yes, they were holding a horse show in the rain. We stopped and watched 2 rides, then continued on. But I felt so envious of those people. I’ve been wanting to ride for so long and these people owned a horse, I wonder if they realize how lucky they are.

By the time we got back to the field it started to pour down rain. Caroline and I had shut our umbrellas a long time ago. We were pretty damn soaked. I could actually hear the sloshing of water in my shoes.

Again I stopped, Caroline continued on. But I had to stop. I looked up to the sky and closed my eyes yet again, feeling the cool rain drops washing over my face and listened. Caroline stopped once she realized I wasn’t with her.

I walked towards her, looking at the field. I wanted to run through the field, so I did. We put down our umbrellas, I took off my hoody and we both ran. I ran faster than I've ever run before. I stoppped and threw my head back laughing with the feeling of freedom. For the first time I felt completely...my self. I was just being, me.

I looked back at Caroline, she held up her arms to the sky and laughed in the rain. Then we both just let our selves fall back into the grass. I didn't even try to catch my self, just fell straight back into the thick wet grass. I felt like I had fallen on a cushion. I layed there and stared at the sky and the rain falling on my face. Caroline yelled my name; she couldn't see me. So I stood up and she stood next to me. We looked around at the field and the surrounding woods. We were soaked now, head to toe, but we did not care. I ran some more then stopped and closed my eyes and began to spin till I felt like I was going to fall. Then we ran back to the stuff, I took one more look at the meadow and we walked back.

Once back at Caroline's we changed into warm clothing, which consisted of our PJ's and robes. Then we decided to forage for food. We decided to make spagetti, but I got really cold and could not stop shivering. So I layed down under three blankets in the Den. It was dark in there, only the candles gave off light. I layed there trying to get warm. I was cold and my hair was wet, but I did not care, I was happy, happier than I've felt in a long time. Caroline said I could lay there, that she had no problem with making it her self. So I did, but I felt bad for doing so. After we eat we both took naps, for about 2 hrs, it was so nice.

And that was my day. :D